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What happens on the stag stays on the stag

The sport cliché or well used expression of ‘What happens on tour, stays on tour’, qualifies itself for a Stag Do too as a group of men celebrating somebody’s final days of being single are famous or, indeed, infamous depending on your point of view. In the digital age of instantly sharing incriminating evidence naively or on purpose can bring early marital problems even before the marriage ceremony takes place and in some cases sparking an international incident like the Stag group that wore luminescent green mankinis on an open top horse carriage and drinking while prancing about on board in the main square Rynek, public outrage went on for days over it and was reported in the media including TV. Here is a guide on avoiding backlash on your return to normality after a raucous weekend on a Stag Do in Krakow. So, here is a list of 10 things to avoid:


1. The Sift

The sift involves deleting or securely hiding all dangerous  photographs, messages and calls on your mobile phone that would require explanations and even non truths to be voiced, this is best done whilst waiting in the departure lounge for your flight home. Be sure to leave the jovial and innocuous photos and messages of you and your Stag Party thoroughly enjoying the weekend.


2. No Stag Do Talk

Comments on how it was good and Krakow is a beautiful city are fine and mention that you and your other half should go there together one day. Incidents or personal travesties are not permitted and to be avoided at all costs.


3. No Strippers

A Stag Party without a strip artist or 5 is not how a real true to life Stag Do works. As in many instances reported the bride insists that the groom should in no way come into contact with a strip artist at all. Therefore, the organiser has to keep the Stag in the dark about the booked activities involving free swinging semi-clad girls until he’s left the country for fear of him breaking down in front of the insistent bride by telling her there will be strip artists present and risk a last minute catastrophe.


4. Eating & Drinking 

These are essential to a Stag Do for reasons of surviving in semi-good health. Naturally, in Krakow a fantastic variety of quality vodka is available and to reserve a Vodka Tasting event for the group is a wise decision However, to up the ante and surprise the Stag plus defy the insistent bride’s demands you add on the Oil Wrestling to Vodka Tasting. This is now a Stag Party for real, 2 fighter strippers enter the oil ring after some shots and snacks have been consumed to fight each other whilst losing their skimpy articles of clothing which then culminates in dragging the Stag in with them for a hot ‘n steamy round much to the drop jawed partygoers spectating who can barely shout encouragement to either the Stag or now nude fighter strippers for the spectacular oily slithering show in action. The lads have been briefed and vow only to mention that vodka is ace in Poland when back home. Another activity that can be heightened in the same way is the Steak Feast which has a special and private strip show after a sumptuous steak meal with a couple of beers and shots included known as Steak & Tits. After dessert you are escorted for a 2nd dessert in a comfy private room for some full on stripper action and maybe the added attraction of Big Bertha Roly Poly to traditionally humiliate the Stag further and conveniently forget the bride’s wishes of no female nudity. Once again, the memo has been sent out to all Stag group members to keep schtum about the extra Stag traditions revealed on the day.


5. Luxury Greeting 

On arrival in Krakow the head organiser has provided a superb luxury pick up at the airport with the Party Bus as stated on the amended Stag Do itinerary submitted to the anxious bride before leaving but and it is a big butt as the omitted detail of the bride’s copy itinerary of a pair of stripper girls pretending to be hitch-hikers that alight the party bus to transform it into the Strip Party Bus with music, lights and beer in full flow. A party atmosphere immediately conjured up as soon as you land and transfer to your accommodation. Splendid and defo not a whisper of the thumbing strippers!


6. Zroom Service

Ensconced in your temporary abode for the weekend it is not advisable to recount the room service adventure to anyone that could use it against you or tell the bride of the Stag’s awakening by the Sexy Housemaid or Angry Manageress episode arranged by the organiser who had strict instructions from the insistent bride. At a pre-determined time one of the 2 strip artists posing as staff wake up the unsuspecting Stag still groggy from the night before with an eye-popping show of sexy lingerie removal. You lot burst in with cameras clicking away and capturing the Stag’s unforgettable facial expressions of surprise but remember to store these photos safely from prying eyes.


7. Strip Clubs 

If you are lucky the insistent bride may use the words no strip clubs in which case you can choose not to go to such a place and therefore your conscience, if you have one, is free as there are many other options available to transgress freely. The thing is strip clubs are not so high on the Stag Do list anymore due to the numerous scams that are rife and well documented. Today’s trend is personal service in a secure environment, however, some Stag Party attendees venture out and invariably pick a random club and end up having their bank accounts fleeced. This is very common in all popular Stag destinations no matter what city you may be visiting, so, if you want a strip club interlude always get it organised by a dedicated company, period. Nobody wants to explain why they have no money left in such circumstances, absolutely no-one, possibly only another fleeced sucker, c’est la vie!


8. Latecomers

Sometimes Stag Group members get lost and turn up at lunchtime with a smirk and bleary-eyed. You know this person has a steady relationship or a wife and this can upset the group harmony for one or two. So some deft skill is required in anticipating this kind of incident, the organiser should exercise his authority as judge & jury with the Stag Regs & Rules to allay in-fighting especially with related members. Keep an eye out for potential situations and nip it in the bud. These incidents don’t travel with you, they are sorted on site.


9. See N.2 -   Idem.


10. Quirky Habits

You your fellow Stag Party attendees will reveal certain aspects about themselves that you may regard as unusual or even odd. People talking wildly in their sleep or put their hands in or on parts of their anatomy, have false teeth, or you catch them wearing a leather thong, this sort of stuff or the guy who has to sleep facing north. These quirky habits cannot be revealed, ever. 


The Stag Do is a sacred undertaking and all who are present are aware of the written and unwritten rules that apply to this magnificent centuries old tradition to celebrate a friend or relative relinquishing his single status to become an upstanding, stalwart and mature married citizen in his new life. That is why what happens on tour, stays on tour, honour it with strippers of course!


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